


Majestic Creatures and Their Virtues

by TwiceALady



Series: Hansweek Prompt Fills [2]
Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: Comedy, Family Fluff, Fluff, Humor, Mild Language, Prompt Fic, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25713394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwiceALady/pseuds/TwiceALady
Summary: Newly minted as a captain in the royal navy, Hans and his ship are ready for their maiden voyage…only his brothers have a surprise for his send off.*Hans Westergaard oneshot for Hansweek 2020 prompt: It’s What Brothers Do*Originally posted on Tumblr May 27, 2020
Series: Hansweek Prompt Fills [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1864912
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	Majestic Creatures and Their Virtues

Hans stared at the offending figurehead that graced his ship. _His ship_. His beloved _Stargazer_. How could they have done this to her? It was an atrocity! He had to look away, if he stared into those soulful, gentle eyes of such a frivolous, tepid beast any longer—

_It’s what brothers do._

“You’re speechless.” Mikkel beamed at him. “I’ll take that as a compliment. Best figurehead carver in the kingdom. We spared no expense for you.”

His jaw ticked. “It was _supposed_ to be a Capricorn.”

And not _just_ a Capricorn. It was supposed to be gloriously fierce and noble with the Capricornus star constellation traced in gold upon the magnificent midnight blue body—a symbolic marriage of both his love of the sea and the sky. Navigating and sailing. His mastery in both _finally_ setting him apart from his brothers. Enough that his father had _finally_ taken notice and named him captain of the _Stargazer_. She was one of the fastest schooners in the royal navy, though she had been docked for ages, needing repairs.

He’d drawn out his ideas and designs for the new figurehead the moment he’d seen her. The moment he’d been taken down to the docks and told she was _his_. That she was being repaired and refitted _just for him_. He’d spent weeks revising the designs, perfecting what was supposed to be the embodiment of the ship, _of its captain_.

He’d written all the details out—the wood, the paint, the measurements—for Christ’s sake, he’d even painstaking drawn scale models from all angles. There had been no room for error.

And yet, somehow, he had gotten _this_. This monstrosity. _God_ , even the white paint in the sunlight hurt his eyes, gleaming pearlescent in gaudy horror. He was going to be the laughing stock of the navy sailing the _Stargazer_ now.

Mikkel’s hand clamped down on his shoulder. “I know it’s not exactly what you wanted…” _That_ _was a huge understatement_. “But honestly? This one suits you better.”

“It’s a fucking unicorn,” Hans ground the words out, each syllable bitter on his tongue. “And it looks like you stole it off a carousel.”

The hand gripping his shoulder gave him a hearty shake. “Oh, come now! It’s not _that_ bad. We all figured it’d be best if you had something that was a bit more…pure of heart, given your recent reputation. Clean up the image a bit, focus on your virtues, you know?”

Hans scowled. What the _hell_ was he going on about? _Virtues?_ His virtues had been plainly expressed in his Capricorn design. Not only was he the best damn navigator to grace the royal navy in nearly three decades, but he was also one hell of a sailor! And the Capricorn had _said that_. It was clear. It was precise. On look at his ship and people would have known.

“No.” Hans balled his hands into fists, trying to keep his temper at bay. “I can’t see at all why it had to be a unicorn, why it couldn’t have just been what I had designed, what I had sent in the first place.”

“It was Ulrik’s idea, initially. He got the rest of us on board.”

_Ulrik’s idea?_

_Oh Lord, no_. They had not given the final say on his ship’s design to Ulrik. He rubbed his temples. The family womanizer and wastrel had absolutely no business at all in deciding what Hans’s _virtues_ were. Ulrik wouldn’t know a virtue if it came up and bit him in the ass.

“It’s really quite clever, delightfully symbolic. We were pretty surprised he was the one that thought of it.” Mikkel grinned, obviously pleased to finally get to tell him _why_ they had chosen the unicorn as his figurehead.

“All right,” Hans sighed. Better get this over and done with quickly. “Out with it already.”

“What attracts a unicorn?”

Hans glowered. _Ha Ha. Very funny_. “Fair maidens.”

“Wrong!”

“It is too,” Hans insisted, losing his patience. “Everyone knows it’s gentle fair maidens—”

“—It’s purity.”

“Well, then you got my virtues wrong,” he answered loftily, feeling rather smug. If his actions in Arendelle had proved anything, it was that he was _not_ pure of heart and instead ruthless when need be. A rather good trait for a captain. “As my track record already proves, I’m rather far removed from purity—”

Mikkel gave an exasperated sigh, as though Hans was completely stupid. “Purity as in _virginity_ , Hans.”

Hans blanched; his palms immediately sweaty. He unclenched his fists, hating the instant, clammy feel of his skin. He swallowed nervously. There was no way they knew that for sure, did they? Like his brothers couldn’t really tell that just from looking at him, right?

It was nearly unheard of to be his age, in this day and age, and still not know the touch of a lover. It had been a source of shame, and something he had taken great pains to mask. Hans had always thought he’d pulled off his sexual status lie quite well. It had never once been brought into question before.

“I’m sorry to disappoint,” he answered back smoothly, “especially since Ulrik finally had a moment of cleverness, but I’m not a virgin.”

Mikkel didn’t bat an eye. “Yeah, you are.”

“I’m _not_ ,” Hans insisted. “A new figurehead will need to be made.”

“Not likely, you can protest all you want, but we all agreed. You’re outnumbered twelve to one here.”

He was _not_ sailing under the banner of celibacy. He was _not_. He had to get this fixed. His crew would fucking ridicule him behind his back…or worse, to his face.

Suddenly an arm grabbed him from behind, his head in an instant headlock as a meaty fist came down, rubbing his head hard and messing up his hair. “So what does _Sir Galahad the Celibate_ think of his new ship? Perfect touch isn’t she?” Ulrik’s voice boomed in his ear, obviously referring to the unicorn.

“Get off!” Hans growled, thoroughly annoyed and trying to weasel his way out of his brother’s grasp. “And don’t call me that!”

Ulrik let him go just as Hans was winding up to try and slug him, which made him stumble clumsily away, causing a ring of laughter that made Hans groan. _Great._ All of them were here.

Sure enough, when he straightened himself out, he could see the other ten, making their way down the dock towards him.

“Hansie here, doesn’t think the unicorn was the right choice,” Mikkel announced. “Says he’s not as _pure_ as we thought.”

“Oh?” And Ulrik got the most mischievous look in his eye. “Do tell, Hans. Regale us with your exploits.”

“I…” His cheeks were burning now, twelve sets of green eyes all honed in on him with interest. He gulped. “I’ve had relations with loads of women.”

Mikkel looked like he was going to die, his hand immediately up to his face trying to stifle a laugh that would reach the clouds if loose. The snickers from the others echoed in Hans’s ears, but Ulrik shushed them with a glance.

“I have,” he persisted, feeling rather desperate. “And that was before Arendelle too…and don’t get me started on _Arendelle—_ ”

“—Hans,” Ulrik interrupted, his face rosy, tears from silent laughter in the corner of his eyes. He threw a beefy arm around Hans’s neck and drew him into an affectionate embrace. “If you’re referring to _fucking_ as ‘ _having relations_ ’—then you have most definitely never _had relations_.”

The chorus of laughter that followed was loud, and Hans realized that they had all made it down to the dock now, and had heard everything. All of them had, even the awful ones.

He saw a hand move in the crowd of siblings, something being passed from arm to arm until it was behind Mikkel’s back, and Hans tensed. _God, what now?_

“I think,” Mikkel stated quite loudly so that they could all hear, “that it’s time Captain Hans _the Chaste,_ of the _Stargazer,_ gets to christen at least one girl before he leaves port today.” And to Hans’s surprise, Mikkel presented him with the item he’d been keeping behind his back.

A bottle of champagne.

He stared at the bottle in his hands, dumbfounded. They’d all come down here today _for_ him?

Ulrik nudged him. Holding up the rope to the Stargazer to tie the bottle to. “Best get on with it, Hans, the last thing you want is Father coming down here and catching you red handed with his best.”

“Yeah,” Espen shouted from the crowd, “do you have any idea how hard that was to nick from the cellar?”

With a shy grin, Hans stepped forward and took the rope, securing it around the bottleneck. Ulrik and Mikkel moved to stand with the rest of his kin, giving him room as he pulled the bottle back high. With the rope tight, he let the bottle slip though his fingers and smash the most expensive champagne in the kingdom against his ship.

_His ship._

Cheers erupted around him, and he laughed, a mixture of excitement and relief.

“God, I hope you’re never that fast with a real one!” Ulrik teased before another bottle was produced and flutes were being passed around. “To Captain Hans the Chaste, the only one of us able to lure a unicorn!”

Hans shook his head, bemused, and took a sip from his glass.

_It’s just what brothers do._


End file.
